Mental health and parenthood: Be supportive when talking to new parents
Arlene F. Serrano, PhD
Often times, people associate mental illness with the words shame, weak, crazy, unreliable, dangerous, trouble, failure, and so forth. Even more, individuals are seen in a negative light because of their mental health struggles. Stigma, discrimination, and fear to disappoint others can stop someone from seeking help when facing a mental health crisis. However, the truth is many people live functional and successful lives while dealing with mental health issues their whole lives. Some are open about their situation and embrace their mental health struggles while others feel somewhat ashamed to talk about it.
The issue with mental health and its stigma becomes more complicated when mothers are going through a crisis while experiencing what it’s supposed to be one of the most joyful moments in their lives. Or at least, this is what societal norms expect us to believe. In reality, motherhood involves moments of happiness, bonding, and love as well as moments of frustration, guilt, loneliness, and sadness. Our lives are upside down. We are learning and trying to breastfeed. We can also be taking care of everyone and feeling overwhelmed. But, who’s taking care of us? Who is paying attention to us while we recover from giving birth and learning how to be a mom?
When a woman delivers a child, numerous changes occur. There are hormonal changes; the first months involve a rollercoaster of emotions and sleep deprivation. We don’t feel, look, or think the same. It is not uncommon to mourn our previous life or an ideal of motherhood that does not fit our reality. Let’s also add financial concerns and lack of support to the list of things some mothers go through while taking care of a little one. To make things more cumbersome, 15-20% of mothers experience postpartum depression or a related condition after pregnancy. This can last from months to several years. When moms experience PPD, their confidence and self-esteem also suffer as a result. It becomes more difficult to enjoy every moment as society expect us to do.
If you interact with new parents, be compassionate (dads can also have PPD). Be supportive and don’t judge them. Offer help, not unsolicited advice.
These are some phrases we should consider avoiding when talking to a new parent:
You’re doing it wrong
Enjoy every minute
They grow up so fast
Make sure you breastfeed exclusively for the next____________
We all go through the same; you’ll be fine
Don’t waste your time feeling bad. Choose happiness
You’re spoiling the baby
Don’t let the baby use a pacifier
When are you going to lose weight?
…and many other phrases we have to listen to on a regular basis (picture forced smile). Although well meant, these phrases can be even more hurtful, if mom or dad are going through PPD.
Instead, you could say the following:
It is ok if you feel overwhelmed.
You’re doing a great job!
You are so loving with your child!
Can I help you with _______?
How are you feeling?
Fed is best. Do what is best for both of you.
If YOU want to breastfeed, you can talk to a lactation consultant.
What do you need?
Finally, pay attention and listen to new parents. Are they doing ok? Do you seem them struggling? Tell them they can always seek professional help. They could talk to a psychologist, psychiatrist, or counselor. Let’s support others so they feel more comfortable when talking about their mental health struggles.
If you are struggling with mental health, remember you’re not alone.
It’s ok to ask for help.