Teaching empathy: Lessons on sharing unspoken and unfiltered motherhood stories
Arlene F. Serrano, PhD
While talking to a dear colleague about our motherhood experiences, an interesting question emerged: Can we teach empathy? At the time, we were sharing our pregnancy and postpartum experiences as well as people’s perceptions and reactions about less than ideal motherhood narratives. I have been vocal about my pregnancy and postpartum journey, so I can help parents going through similar situations. If you have read my other blog posts, you are aware that I was grieving my dad while pregnant and was also diagnosed postpartum depression, OCD, and anxiety. There are additional circumstances that can be traumatic for parents such as difficult labor, other mental health issues, pregnancy loss, infant loss, difficulties with breastfeeding, financial distress, or lack of support. Sharing our stories can be excruciating. However, talking openly about these issues can help normalize the ideal of motherhood and provide further support to parents. Empathy is crucial when listening to adverse motherhood experiences. Oftentimes, when sharing our stories, we are not looking for a solution, we just want to be heard and acknowledged.
Thus, I will answer the question “Can we teach empathy?” through the lens of radical hope. This is the kind of hope that goes beyond optimism and that can easily be applied to our current COVID situation and the uncertainty that has created in our daily lives. I believe empathy can be taught. Empathy is usually defined as “the ability to understand and share the feelings of one another”. In other words, to practice empathy we need to start by understanding people’s diverse experiences and feelings. These are some questions that we could ask when trying to understand other people’s journeys and thoughts:
What happened?
What does that mean to the person? What’s their perspective?
How do they feel about it?
How are they coping?
What do they need?
How can I relate to this particular experience ?
We find ourselves navigating life, reacting, and coping in different ways. Our background, personality, prior knowledge, and other factors influence how we assimilate and respond to different situations and circumstances. Understanding others involves looking at their experiences and reactions with a non-judgmental and open mind, allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, and connecting with others. Showing interest in other people's upbringings and backgrounds, asking follow up questions, and being present when having a conversation are different ways of building positive relationships and establishing stronger connections. These steps can be helpful in gaining a better understanding of other’s life stories, feelings, and thoughts. Likewise, the better we understand ourselves, our beliefs and biases, the easier it becomes to walk in someone else’s shoes and relate to their lived experiences. Even if we have not been through a similar experience, we can listen, try to relate, offer support and compassion.
The following are some strategies to be considered when being empathetic toward others:
Be self-aware and know your biases
Be present when interacting with others
Listen actively
Have an open mind and be receptive to different perspectives
Practice compassion
Help if you can
Avoid judging, criticizing, or minimizing other’s experiences or feelings
Do not engage in toxic positivity: “Everything happens for a reason.” “You’ll get over it.”
As human beings, we want to belong and feel connected to others. As parents, we can feel isolated when our reality does not match the ideal of parenthood that has been established and perpetuated by western society. By empathizing, we can help build better relationships with loved ones, friends, and co-workers. We can help others feel connected and included. It’s OK if we don’t have all the answers. We just need to listen, understand, relate, and be compassionate.
Visit the following sites for more information on perinatal support, empathy, and radical hope :
https://positivepsychology.com/empathy/
https://www.hup.harvard.edu/catalog.php?isbn=9780674027466
Credit: Thanks to my colleague for being vulnerable and sharing some of her journey with me. Thank you for the inspiration.