Mom guilt: Learning to be ok with being a good enough parent

Arlene F. Serrano, PhD

I have been working with families for over a decade and most of the time there is a common denominator as related to our roles as caregivers: parent guilt. When making decisions we engage in self-doubt and believe we are not doing what’s best for our children.  

This guilt permeates parents’ lives regardless of their working status. By this, I mean “stay-at-home" moms as well as “working” moms feel insecure at times. They worry about not being the best parents for their children. I can relate to this even more now that I have a toddler. I have been on both sides, and I have to say that my guilt has been slightly higher after I went back to the workforce. I probably feel even worse because I am enjoying my professional role. As parents, we can determine what’s best for our children. For some, staying at home is the best decision, while for others working outside the home brings financial and mental health benefits.  

Now, more than ever, we are bombarded with this idea of perfect motherhood. Matching outfits, not only healthy but also awesome-looking meals, the ‘perfect’ postpartum body, and so forth. Likewise, there are always family members, relatives, friends, neighbors, even strangers at the grocery store giving us unsolicited advice and feeding these demanding ideas of what a perfect mother should look like. We need to keep in mind that social media does not always present an accurate representation of people’s lives. In addition, we can listen to people’s advice, but always remember that in the end we are the one making decisions about our children’s lives and well-being.  

First, we have to name it. Let’s start by making a list of some of the reasons we feel guilty when looking at the care we provide for our children. Once we make that list, we need to evaluate these reasons through the lens of realistic expectations. Do we have unrealistic expectations about our role as mom, dad, or caregiver? Why or why not? How so? How can we learn to manage our expectations?  

These are some of the items on my list:  

  1. I had PPD, PPA, and OCD 

  2. I was not able to breastfeed my son 

  3. He gets sick frequently when he attends day care 

  4. I rarely cook anything from scratch 

  5. He has been sleeping with me for over 6 months 

  6. … 

Despite my guilt list, I would also like to say that I have a great bonding with my son. We spend quality time together; we are attached to each other. Still, I feel hesitant when we make decisions about his daily routine, goals, health, and everything else. As parents, we are hard on ourselves and oftentimes have unrealistic expectations about our parenting roles and responsibilities.  

When judging your parenting style and role, keep in mind the following:  

  • Do not believe everything you think 

  • Unfollow social media accounts that make you feel bad (I have done it without regret)  

  • Avoid surrounding yourself with information (or people) that affect your self-esteem adversely.  

  • Do your best to be non-judgmental to diverse parenting styles. We can try to listen and understand and offer solicited advice.

 It is ok to make mistakes.  We can always learn, improve, and try our best. But let’s allow ourselves some grace and self-love. In the end, we are the moms our kids need. 

 

Arlene Serrano