Arlene F. Serrano, PhD

I’d thought I would never have biological children. I’ve been married for 16 years, focusing on my career, and helping my husband raise two beautiful daughters. Then, it happened. I was pregnant at 38 years old, one month after my dad passed unexpectedly. Yes, I was pregnant while grieving the loss of my dad. My husband and I could not wait to meet our little baby. We planned. I love planning. We were super excited. We had so many moments of joy. I felt like a queen, even with my swollen ankles and excruciating carpal tunnel pain at night. However, I was also confused. I was pregnant, grieving and, as result, experiencing moments of true happiness and sadness. I tried to do my best and focus on all the great things happening inside my body and around me. I delivered a healthy baby without any complications. I was surrounded with love and support. I felt thrilled. I felt overwhelmed too. Shortly, after the birth of my son, I was diagnosed with PPD, Anxiety, and OCD. I later learned that one of the risk factors for PMAD is to experience a significant change or loss.

What does it mean to lose a loved one while pregnant?

For me, it meant feeling guilty about starting a new chapter of my life without one of the most important people of my support system. It also meant regretting not having children earlier in life. I didn’t get to see my dad smile when he saw his nieto for the first time. I lost one of the only people I asked for advice. I lost my friend.

My dad passed in February 2018 and I am still grieving. I go to therapy and something I learned from my counselor is that we do not follow the grieving stages, the grieving stages follow us. Sometimes, I feel sad and nostalgic. Many times, I am filled with anger. I am not sure we can ever get over the loss of a loved one, but can learn strategies to cope with the loss more effectively.

One day, I'll get to the acceptance and finding meaning stage, but I am not there yet. In the meantime, I promised myself to tell my son stories about my dad, so he knows about abuelo Juan and all his awesomeness. I will keep in mind everything I learned from him, so I can teach my son.

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If you have experienced the loss of a loved one, consider the following:

Talk to friends or family members about your loss.
Join a grieving support group. It could be beneficial to talk about your loss and share different perspectives.
It is ok to feel sad and have different emotions. We all experience grieving differently.
We do not have to get over it immediately or within a timeframe.
We don’t move on. We move forward.
Take care of yourself. Sleep, eat, move.
Help others going through loss.
Seek professional help.

These are some risk factors for PPD and related conditions: