Conversations on motherhood: Everyone wants to hold the baby? But who holds the mom?
Arlene F. Serrano, PhD
ENJOYING THE PEACE AND QUIET, SHE STAYED COMPLETELY STILL IN HOPES HE WOULD NAP FOR HOURS. @jennygillespieart
When we are pregnant, we go to our ob-gyn appointments at least every month. There is usually one appointment six weeks after delivery, and afterwards is “follow up as needed” until the next annual visit. So, when it comes to new moms, who is responsible to care for their wellbeing? Who’s asking how is she feeling, how is she coping? What are her needs? What does she need?
The following encompasses some of my postpartum journey:
After I had my baby, I went through chaos and more. I had to adjust to a new routine and deal with breastfeeding issues. I was also diagnosed with postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety, and postpartum OCD. Besides, I was grieving the recent loss of my dad while learning how to be a mom. I was not sure about what motherhood would look like for me, but none of these was part of my ideal of motherhood.
After many conversations with other parents, it became evident that my experience was not isolated. Thus, it posits the question: what happens when our expectations about motherhood and our real-life maternal experiences are in disagreement? It can certainly cause frustration, sadness, anger or loneliness. Our motherhood experiences can be beautiful and also filled with conflicting thoughts, emotions, and unpleasant situations.
Family members, relatives, friends, co-workers, neighbors, strangers at the grocery store…each person has a different opinion and (un) solicited pieces of advice about our motherly duties and responsibilities. There is usually a common denominator, we’re supposed to be the happiest person by bringing a new life into this world. Everyone talks about love and happy moments. Understandably, it is all about the new baby. While everyone takes care of the baby and fulfill their own emotional needs, the new mother is going through physical and hormonal changes. Perhaps, we are also going through baby blues or a perinatal mood disorder (postpartum depression, anxiety, etc.). Let’s add the bleeding and gigantic pads, swollen feet, carpal tunnel, lack of sleep, change in routine, and breastfeeding to the list of our pregnancy and postpartum journey. We don’t feel like ourselves, we are adjusting and trying to manage our lives. It is devastating to feel sad or frustrated in what is supposed to be one of the best moments of our lives.
Mama, don’t feel bad if you are going through any of these circumstances. It’s difficult to talk about these issues, when we feel compelled by societal and familial expectations to share only the positive experiences surrounding motherhood. It’s ok if we feel like we are struggling or that we don’t know what we are doing. It’s fine to feel tired and sometimes annoyed. We must normalize talking about the not-so-cool aspects of motherhood. There is no need to romanticize the idea of motherhood. I have embraced sharing the awesomeness and the perils of becoming a mom. I choose to help other moms and families to be more open to talk about their struggles…so we can learn from each other and create a more supportive environment for parents and families.
These are some strategies I would recommend to new moms navigating the postpartum journey:
Talk to your ob-gyn about baby blues and perinatal mood disorders.
Let your ob-gyn know if you are feeling anxious while pregnant.
Ask relevant questions about postpartum care. For example: What should I do if I feel anxious or depressed after having my baby?
Find someone you can trust. Ideally, it would be someone that will listen without judgement and will help you find resources if needed.
Listen to other people’s advice, but remember that you are the one making decisions for yourself and your family.
Don’t hesitate to ask for help. You’re not alone.
See you next week!
Lots of love,
Arlene